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monday mondy I hate that day

2007-04-30

Thought today I would feel better, taking some time to get use to new depression meds, you know weaning off one adding a nother one, It has taking me to a real funk, awful feeling.

And the neuopathy in my feet hurts to bad to walk on today, used the cane but I think I just need to stay off them altogether today, feels like I have broken bones in my feet, just a little pressure means alot of pain. It really sucks, it is a nice day out I just want to go outside and take a walk with my dog, no way in hell.  Maybe I'll try to take the walker out, not good with using it. Oh general hospital is on. my favorite show, gotta go.

 

 

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You say what

2007-04-27

Well im going down for the count, I had hydrocodone 10mg and 2  2,35mg  of Ambien CR

should sleep ike a log tonight. I can barely keep my eyes open,   so nighty niinght

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Which way is up?

2007-04-27

Hi, I do believe that I can't figure out which way I'm going right now, I'm on a new antidepression med in combo with my old med and pain meds, I think  I am bouncing from low to high.  Not bad.  Better to be happy than low.  I had to go to a funeral today a friend of mine past away after fighing breast cancer for over three years, but she had a since of humor,she had her funeral  all set up, sso she had alot of funny stuff in her sermon.  We let 50 white balloons go after the service. It was nice ,we all laughed and said this is for you Marge we knew she was laughing too.

I feel like I need to go to sleep for awhile, my brain isn't functioning that well.  But I'm babysitting my little newphew MOE who is 5 and he is hyper action kid.  He is always looking for something to do and eat.  He knows I keep candy in the house, and he doesn't stop until he finds it.  All he wants to eat is cereal or chicken nuggets. Terroizes my dog.  Wants to watch these crazy cartoons and play games on the computer.

Everyone have a good night. 

 

 

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yada yada yada

2007-04-24

LaughingHey did you ever feel like doing something completly opposite of who you are or would ever do in normal state of mind? Like going white water rafting, Yes going down that river so fast that you can't breath from fear or just plain having a f------ blast!!  Bunjie jumping OMG too high for me, looks llike fun, if you don't have a heart attack, when you jump. Flying in a experimental plane, hope it gets off the ground, or Gee I hope I can land this damn thing...What about storm chasing, looks interesting, until the fnnnnnn tornadooo comes right at you, get me the hell out of that...

All i'm saying never know what your missing until you take a chance, this all could be just what you need, for what ails you,LOL.  Or just give me a few whiskey sours, a Vicodin or 2,  some good rock music, and I'll  watch Extreme sports on tv.

 

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bad day all day

2007-04-23

Frown I have been in pain for years, and today my neurologist told me what I suspected all along, that I have neuropathy, in both feet, and that it stems from my back, since no doctor will do any surgery on my back, secondary that it is too risky,we will try other modalities to see if it will help relieve some of the disabling pain I have now.  At this point I barely can walk, so anything will be ok with me....

This Wed. I see a pyschiatrist for the first time for depression and medication management.

So begin the begin! It is going to be a long winding road from here on. I am a strong person and I can deal with alot of stuff, but I'm starting to break, I'm used to dealing with everything myself, but when you need help dressing,bathing,even cutting your food, myself doen't exist, it is us, together we will battle the problems. I hope my friends don't leave me, because I need them for fun times, even if I have to use assistance to get around, I still need fun times. My close friend loves to go on the boat, but I can't afford that, so I said lets go to a movie, I can get up an move around without bothering people.  I want to see In the land of Women..

 Does anyone know any good books to read?  I like who did it books , like James Patterson and  mystery novels.  Good scarey ones too.

Later gator. 

 

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TIME IN YOUR LIFE

2007-04-21

TAKE TIME TO RELAX, PLAY,GO TO THE PARK,HAVE A PICNIK,DANCE,LAUGH,MEET UP WITH OLD FRIENDS OR RELATIVES U HAVEN'T SEEN IN AWHILE, JUST TAKE THE TIME AND DO IT. BECAUSE WHEN YOUR TIME  ON THIS EARTH IS OVER  WILL YOU BE ABLE TO SAY I'M GLAD THAT I DID ALL OF THESE OR ATLEAST SOME OF THESE THINGS, CAN YOU OR WILL YOU MAKE LASTING MEMORIES FOR SOMEONE, TO LAUGH WITH OR AT YOU, TO CRY WITH YOU , TO MOURN WITH YOU,TO LOVE WITH YOU OR EVEN TO BE ANGRY WITH YOU OR YOU THEM, CAN YOU LOOK BACK AT YOUR LIFE AND HAVE LASTING MEMORIES THAT WILL FOREVER STAY WITH OR GO WITH YOU, SOMETHING THAT MEANT ALOT TO YOU OR THEM, MAKE TIME TODAY TO DO SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE U FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF OR MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES,
MAKE A DIFFERENCE, IT COUNTS, IT WORKS, IT WILL FREE YOUR SOUL,CLEANSE YOUR HEART AND GIVE YOU WORTH.  BECAUSE EVERYONE I MEAN EVERYONE IS OF  VALUE AND WE TOGETHER CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE , IN OUR LIFE OR SOMEONE ELSES LIFE MAYBE EVEN A LIFE SAVING DIFFERENCE.   YOU MAY NEVER KNOW THAT YOU MADE A DIFFERENCE.  BUT SOMEONE OUT THERE WILL  KNOW YOU DID.    

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bolts

2007-04-17

here IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT, WHAT ABOUT PUTTING DEAD BOLTS ON THE INSIDE OF ROOMS ON CAMPUSES?  WOULD THIS HELP IN ANYWAY? OR DO YOU THINK THIS WOULD LEAD SOMEONE READY TO KILL TO USE IT FOR THIER BENEFIT/ I DONT KNOW JUST A THOUGHT, THEY WOULD PROBABLY SHOOT IT OUT.

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32 people dead

2007-04-16

What has happened in our society? Is nothing or anyone safe or valued?  Do we have do go thru our lifetime worried about our children, love ones, friends becuase of madness? We worry about terrorism what about the frickin nuts in this country? Yeah what about it?  It is impossible to protect all the schools,public transportation,fed buildings and on and on.  We can't hold our childrens hands, keep a leash around them to protect them for all the bad crap out there.  I always wonder what the children today will face in their futures, the stress today is hard, the stress years from now will be even harder.

All I can say my heart and prayers go out to the families and all those young people that witness all this.  They need our support and love. Take a moment to think about them and pray for them.  Pray for this country. 

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Yeah sunshine

2007-04-15

CoolFinally sunshine, what a dfference it makes in your day.  Or should I say in my half aday, since I didn't get up until 1:00pm.  I found away to get some real sleep by accident,  I had an allergy reaction late last night, I had already taken a hydrocodone but I had to take a Benadryl and the
combo knocked me out  until I got up this aft, WOW. 
My husband and I went out for dinner and took in a little visiting and it was pleasant day.
But I won't be going to bed anytime soon, because I'm nowhere close to being tired. So here I am on the computer.  There is nothing on TV.  I don't have a book to read.  I could do some crosswords nah.
I am a lettle nervous about an upcoming visit to a psychiatrist, never been to one.  I am wondering what she is going to ask me about depression etc.  Or maybe my life in general. Shouldn't worry about it I guess.Maybe it will help.
Thursday I will have my trigger point injections in my neck and I can't wait, it's been three weeks since the last one and I need them now. The next 3 weeks are all different doctors visits.
Well, enough of that crap, I hope you all have a nice night and a wonderful week. 
 

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days drag on and on

2007-04-12

April 12

I remember when I couldn't wait until the day would end, now that I don't work they really drag on and on.  I try to sleep or just stay in bed late so the day would be gone.  How dumb is that?

Life is too short to wish it away.  No matter what stage Im in pain from this day on I am going to try to make changes in my life. I will find something that I like to do and I will try my best to do it.  I like to do jigsaw puzzles, cross words,read ,andhave a great cup of coffee with a friend.  So I will do what my psycologist ask and start thinking what I can do, not what I can't do. 

My friend and I are going to join the Parish Fellowship Board at church in June, that will keep us busy.  It will be start to get out of my house. I am also looking into voluntering at a clinic  or somewhere that I can use my skills. I was an  office manager for an ophthalmologist for 23 years, I can help in insurance, HIPPA, OSHA,credentialing,transcription,filing etc, seem terrible to let it all go to waste, if I can contribute something.  That is what I need to do I have to feel like I'm still capable of making decisions and be independant, somewhat. 

Depression has a way of thinking that you have no self worth, I need to work on this. Bringing me down big timeFrown I don't like this feeling, ya know I don't even know if the meds are working or not.  Oh that is why they  a re giving more antidepression meds LOL.  Not because I'm goofy enough.  Life is grand isn't it?  If it dosn't break you first.

ER is on gotta go. 

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Depression and pain

2007-04-11

CryApril 11

Today is the 5th day of extreme pain and depression, this is the worse I have had in awhile.

I usually run around 5 or 6 pain level but something has happened to make it 9 to 10. I very sure that I wont be getting up tomorrow because my back is out , I had an epidural a few weeks ago I was hoping that it would last for awhile, so might have to get another next week when I have my trigger point injections in my neck. My entire body hurts so I am dbl my pain meds, my doctor upped my Cymbalta to 90mg a day so maybe that will help.

 It snowed lthis morining a lot  of snow, It was pretty for awhile, suppose to have more tomorrow. one good thing it wont last long, cant wait until real spring gets here.  Cant complain thoug, we didnt have much winter really. I need sunshine to get out of this crappy depression.  I will be ok one minute and crying the next, so stupid. I never had this kind of stuff to deal with and I just dont like it at all.  I was depressed when my father and sister died  and very depressed when my best friend was killed in an auto accident. I came out of it  faster than I am now. And I wasnt taking anything then, just cant understand it all, there are alot of peolpe that have more serious problems than I.

My 5 yr old nephew stayed with me tonight, boy he can keep you on your toes, he loves to play on the computer, but I have to help him with certain games, he just loves it.  I get him off the computer and read to him and do teaching games with him, all he wants is someone to play with.  I adore him, he just so cute and smart.  Children are a blessing we should learn from them, laugh more and have fun.

I took 2 pain pills and sleeping pill and I think I might try to sleep, sometimes I just lay there and get back up and do reading or watch tv. To much pain so I think I wont win any sleep tonight.

Later gator 

 

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???###!!!

2007-04-10

CryYEAH THIS IS HOW IM DOING TODAY.  I DONT THINK I HAVE HAD THIS MUCH PAIN FOR ALONG TIME.  DONT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.  MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TODAY THAT I AM JUST ONE OF THE 10% THAT END UP WORSE THAN BETTER AFTER SURGERY.  SO HE UPED MY CYMBALTA TO 90 MG ADAY AND IS SENDING ME TO PSYCHIATRIST SO ALL MY DOCTORS CAN MANAGE MY PAIN CARE.  I CAN SEE THEM PUTTING ME ON MORE MEDICATIONS FOR DEPRESSION ETC. ETC.  I CAN HARDLY FUNCTION NOW WITH THE MEDS IM ON.  OH  AND TRIGGER POINT INJECTIONS MONTHLY ANDKEEP SEEING MY PSYCOLOGIST FOR PAIN MANEGMENT.  I GUESS ITS OK IF I CAN ATLEAST GET SOME KIND OF RELIEVE. 
 
NOW I JUST CANT SLEEP SO I THOUGHT I WOULD JUST WRITE DOWN MY THOUGHTS, EXCEPT IM ALITTLE OUT IN LEFT FIELD RIGHT NOW, SO MORE THA LIKELY WONT MAKE ANY SENSE.
MU HUSBAND SAID I DONT MAKE SENSE ANYTIME HA HA.  I KEEP HEARING GUNSHOT NOISES OUTSIDE, I WILL GO TAKE ALOOK, BACK IN A JIFF.Undecided DONT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.  I THINK IT IS AT THE SCHOOL.  OH WELL ENOUGH OF THAT.  YA KNOW THERE IS NOTHING ON TV AT NIGHT, SO I PLAY GAMES ON THE PUTER IF IM ABLE. SOMETIMES PAIN STOPS ME FROM DOING MUCH OF ANYTHING.
 
OH OH I SEE RED LIGHTS, THAT CANT BE GOOD.  MY DOG IS SNORING SO LOUD RIGHT NOW THAT I CANT HELP BUT LAUGH.  I THOUGHT MY HUSBAND WAS BAD, WOW!!
 
ACTUALLLY MY MEDS ARE KICKING IN AND MAKING ME TIRED, MAYBE ILL TRY TO SLEEP.
 
LATER GATOR 
 

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feel like a sledgehammer hit me

2007-04-09

Frown April 9, 07. I feel like I got myentire body hit by a sledgehammer for the last 2 days.  I went to my moms for Easter and I couldn't enjoy it because of heavy duty pain, I took alot of pain medication to  get relief, UH didn't hlep at all, so I went to my moms room and slept for awhile so I could drive home later.  What a waste of a day, and today it is the same.  Im down for the count now, all I want to do is take more medication and just get numb to feeling anything.  But when I overdo it i get sick sick sick. Yhen the next day I am out in left field all day. Can't wait until next week to get my trigger point injections in my neck and shoulder. Maybe get my second epidural in my low back too, I need some relief ASAPTongue out. sometimes I wish I could end it all just get out of my misery.  All that would do is make everone else miserable.  Or not. Hell life sucks and then you die.  Dont know where Im going from here Im sort of out to lunch right now, took a few too many Nocors and Ambien Ill sleep like  a rock tonight.  SurprisedCant keep my eyes open, so it is time to sleep.  catch ya on th e flip sidel
nighty night 
all 
 

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Pain in the neck

2007-04-05

April 5, 2007
 
Hello to all, I hope that this info will help people that have had cervical fusion. I had my surgery
Sep 5, 2006, I was dx with 3 herniated disc, bone spurs, degerative disc disease.  I had fusion
of the C3/C4,C4/C5,C5/C6,C6/C7 with 3 spurs cleaned up, plating.  I had no choice but to have
the surgery, I had severe impingment on the spinal cord with spinal stenosis. It was a hard
post op time, in hard brace for 8 weeks and PT for 10 weeks, unfortunately I have very little
improvement of pain.  I have chronic pain in the neck, shoulders, back and rt radiculopathy
 in arm and hand.  I also have 3 herniated and 4 bulging disc in my back with radiating pain in
the legs and ankles.  Secondary to all this I am now using a cane for walking because my ankles are in pain and are not stable. I will be getting braces for my ankles.  I have contant
ringing in my ears, and dizziness. I dont drive much because of the dizziness.  I am on
antidepressants, pain meds, sleeping pills and trigger point injections once a month in my neck.  These help dull pain, dont take away pain.
 
I had to retire from my office manager job, and I filed for SSD in Jan. 07, I have not heard from them yet if Im eligible.  My depression had literally stopped my in my tracks, all I want  to do is sleep allday.  I can not do much of anything because I get tired and my pain goes up to a 8 or 9 pain level after about a 2 hr stretch. 
 
I thought thank maybe I just write it down give myself a hobby and maybe hear from others that are in the same boat that Im in.  I am only 60 and I did not plan to retire for atleast 3 years, and I really dont know what to do with my self.
 
So please if you have any ideas or solutions or feel like venting lets talk.
 
Mary 

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